Dealing With a Bully Leader

Definition of a Bully

When The Boss is A Bully 

Almost daily these days, there is another story of a world leader who intimidates, threatens, bad mouths or pushes people around to get their way!

Several clients of mine have dealt with bullies on their teams, but bullying at work is much tougher with when that bully your boss or a leader you have to associate with in the company.

A bully leader in the workplace (even if you don't report to them) causes stress, pressure and great discomfort to everyone. The Workplace Bullying Institute US national research claims that 30% of workers in the US are bullied at work, over 22 million employees witness it and 1 of 10 claim they work in a toxic workplace as a result.

The environment becomes toxic when everyone tries to avoid humiliation, or kiss-up to be in his/her good graces.  For others, the only way to cope is to quit their job, particularly if they have been targeted by that bully.

When a bully boss makes you a target, work becomes pretty unbearable. This was the case for one of my clients. Below I'll share with you some of the strategies that she found helpful to continue to work with this very difficult leader.

Interestingly, as we worked through identifying her personality style, we decoded his DiSC style as well. The more we discussed style differences, the more we saw similarities to a fairly well-known bully world leader! 

Bullying At Work - A True Story

My coaching client (I'll call her Justine) has been suffering with a bully leader at work (lets call him John), his behaviour is creating a hostile work environment. John is a partner at their seven-person firm (details of company withheld), Justine reports to another partner.

As we went through her personal discovery, she identified that communicating more effectively with John is a key outcome she wants. Through the Everything DiSC Workplace Assessment we identified her style to be an 'S' or Steadiness profile and we determined John likely is an extreme Dominance style - which makes them exact opposites!

John is the epitome of the bully profile: very demanding, loud and bombastic in his approach. This behaviour has served him well in the past but creates angst in their heavily regulated firm (he joined from a privately owned company a few years ago). John tends to make arbitrary promises with grandiose assurances, leaving Justine to sort out details. These cause her great concern.

Based on her experience, she finds his business practices create unnecessary risk for clients. As a result of his egotistical nature, she struggles to constructively challenge his methods and finds herself growing weary of fixing the problems he creates.
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Justine has worked in this firm for over 30 years in a support capacity; she is familiar with regulatory requirements and has tremendous rapport with their clients. 

How to Handle a Workplace Bully Leader

Working with someone who is not naturally empathetic, can be especially tough for people who prioritize steadiness - S style people like Justine, are harmony seekers who look to collaborate, be supportive and are naturally concerned for others.

Extremely dominant styles, while possibly more business-focused and cunning, may lack emotional intelligence unless they deliberately develop this skill. Depending on the reporting relationship they can become fixated on who has HARMED THEM, often seeking revenge vs focusing on building rapport and developing their team (sound like anyone you know?).

Because this extreme dominance type operate from a win-lose mindset, unless they experience a negative consequence from their behaviour it is unlikely to change. Bully leaders seek the upper hand and prefer to be seen as powerful.

​Interrupting this behaviour requires different tactics, oriented to taking a stand, gaining support from others, minimizing your reaction and use a stealthy approach to disarm them.

7 Tips For How To Deal With A Bully Leader

We identified some immediate tactics which have been helping Justine work with John:

1. View him as hurt and damaged - we've all heard that hurt people, hurt people. So imagine that something happened to him which makes him put others down to make himself feel powerful and successful (particularly those who are supportive and kind to others). This helps her reframe how to respond.
2. Question his intentions -  ‘did you mean to help or embarrass me’ or ‘are you being helpful or just critical?’. This holds a mirror up to encourage him to reflect on his behaviour.
3. Avoid reacting - or to reply with 'uh huh' and walk away where possible. This is a bit harder but strong reactions encourage his dominating. This dismissiveness usually defuses escalation.
4. Demonstrate listening by paraphrasing - the hidden message behind his words, ideally in front of others like ‘you think my suggestions are not worth considering’. This does two things, it shows that you heard what he wanted you to hear but also encourages him to adjust his attitude so he doesn’t look bad in front of others (which is important to him)
5. Talk data and facts - don't share your feelings, they are not important to him, just get to the point and calmly outline specifics (in this case rules/regulations to get the job done and what you require from him)
6. Be an observer vs a participant - disengage, only deal with him when you absolutely must
7. Play the long game - if you can hang in there, chances are he won’t last. Bully leaders have a tendency to destroy relationships which make their days limited

Since Justine has begun using these tactics she reports that her confidence has increased significantly.  She said she feels prepared when he approaches and ready to take him to task by questioning his intentions, and if he becomes agitated, she will walk away. This has been empowering.

Upon reflection, she realizes that being more direct with him has been the single most impactful thing that has helped.

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Dots SOS: If you're working with a workplace bully leader and considering working with a coach, reach out for a 30 minute free consultation!

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Summary

Just as we are seeing in the news, bullies like John attempt to dominate others to feed their delicate ego. Threatening, manipulating and forcing others to do what they want, when they want despite negative consequences!

Make no mistake, this arrogant behaviour doesn't get ahead in the long run. It leads to in-fighting, broken valued relationships, internal politics and damaged reputation (both business and personal).

Nobody wants to work with a bully or in a toxic work environment every day. Its exhausting! Our best bet is showing that we just won't be pushed around.
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Bully leadership is a losing strategy and being a loser is the kryptonite to their power!

If you want to improve your team effectiveness as a leader consider reaching out to schedule a communication workshop with your team today.