Difficult Conversation Without Losing Sleep

How To Have Difficult Conversations

I was delighted when Kim Scott's book Radical Candor came out as I heartily share her views on candid conversations. To me it really is an art, not a science! 

Just like art, you improved the more often you do it. While there may be steps to take, you only develop comfort for 'uncomfortable discourse' as you practice doing it.

I'm not telling you it will be easy. After all, it does go against with what your Momma taught you - 'if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all'. But when you become a leader (just as Kim says) ' it’s your job to speak up--so it's your obligation to be candid'.

Dots 6-Step Model for Difficult Discussions

It is through the difficult and candid conversations that we grow and become better.

We use a 6-step model for difficult conversations. I fundamentally believe that the best leaders - a Kick-Ass Leader - should be well prepped to take on even the most awkward discussion!

I've been using this model long before Radical Candor was a book; it's tried and tested to get through nerve-racking conversations!

Follow these steps to see for yourself:
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1. Set the Tone
It may seem redundant to let people know this will be a difficult conversation, but by preparing the recipient to hear something they don't necessarily want to hear, it lays the foundation to listen more intently.

Depending on the sensitivity of the topic, state it directly (for sensitive - aka conscientious/steadiness behaviour styles*) - 'This is going to be a difficult discussion', 'I have something difficult to talk about', OR less directly (for less sensitive-aka dominant/influencing behaviour styles*) - establishing two-way dialogue beginning with an open question 'How do you think the meeting went?'.

Either way it gives you the opportunity to set the tone and pave the way into more difficult dialogue.

*If you don't know what behavioural style the person is, refer to our blog Style Talk series on DiSC.

2. Begin with Kindness
​Again I agree with Kim Scott, if the intent of your discussion is to embarrass or take down your team member a peg or two, then you lose the element of humanity that we all need, especially at work. And no one listens to an obnoxiously aggressive leader! 

Kindness is the key! Be considerate of the person you're speaking to. Put yourself in their shoes, before you have the convo! Empathize how they might feel? Consider how to demonstrate care and keep their dignity intact?

3. Be Respectful
Stick to the facts when dealing with touchy subjects. This is not the time to make generalizations or judgements. 'I noticed the CEO stopped listening and started looking at email when you were talking' (FACT) instead of 'You totally lost the audience' (GENERALIZATION) or 'The CEO didn't like you' (JUDGEMENT).

Pause and listen for reaction, or probe further 'what were your observations' 'what did you think about that'? Don't assume you know everything, sometimes there are additional facts you need to take into consideration - perhaps before you were in the room the CEO apologized that he had to keep an eye on his email as a serious issue was underway!

4. Have Courage
Many leaders avoid uncomfortable conversations or tackling tough issues directly because they fear being rejected or disliked. Unfortunately, this avoidance can lead others on your team to see you as a push-over; we quickly lose respect for leaders who don't address the 'elephant in the room'!

It is your job to lead others. Put aside that fear of not being liked, take a deep breath and just do it! In the long run, saying what needs to be said benefits everyone!

5. Be Consistent
A common pet peeve of many employees is preferential treatment to a 'golden employee'. Lack of fairness comes up time and again as a significant engagement killer. 

You are always under scrutiny, and it is noticeable if you follow through with one team member but not another about the very same issue.

By being consistent, you further cultivate and develop trust - a core foundation for high performing teams. Set standards that everyone must honour and then hold everyone to the same standard! This predictability also minimizes stress in the work environment.

6. Take Action
For behavioural change to be effective, correction needs to be timely. Don't save these dirty little bombs up for performance review time. Take action immediately. We all want to succeed, so be the leader that gives your team a chance to course correct and improve.

Find the right setting for difficult conversations - pull the person aside in your office, find a quiet corner of an open environment or step out to a coffee shop, out of earshot from prying eyes and ears.

Don't wait for your next one-on-one or for your team to ask you for feedback, it is all up to you to make the first move!

Don't Lose Sleep
When you let ugly issues fester not only will you lose sleep, but so will your team; the performance of your whole team will suffer. Start today to deal with any difficult conversation ASAP!

The best leaders make a practice of being candid with their teams, routinely. The team knows when you have their back, that you want the best for them and that these awkward or difficult conversations actually help them grow and improve. Just remember, allow them to be equally candid with YOU!

If you need professional guidance on prepping for a difficult conversation or you want to bounce ideas with an experienced coach, I am only an email away! Reach out anytime!
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Tough Conversation Summary

Here are the 6 steps to prepare for your difficult conversations! 

1. Set the Tone
2. Begin with Kindness
3. Be Respectful
4. Have Courage
5. Be Consistent
6. Take Action

By caring personally, being candid and clear you'll not only build better teams but improve all the relationships in your life!